Losing Yourself, Finding yourself: Life after marriage and motherhood

Marriage and motherhood are majorly transformative experiences. A lot of that change is beautiful and anticipated, but some of the changes are abrasive and feel suffocating. While I would argue that both types of change are good, they can cause a lot of women to feel lost. Our identity seems hazy and sometimes grief reminds us that we aren’t who we once were. If you feel lost in this season of marriage or motherhood, you need to hear these 2 truths and a lie that shape much of your attitude, perspective and transformation during this time.

Truth 1:

You've changed. You’re no longer who you used to be. But you’re also still very much the same, just as you’ve been the same person since birth; growing and transforming. We are multifaceted people with varying interests and unique skills, talents and desires, and we continue to change and develop throughout the whole of life (hopefully for the better) even if, at times, that change is almost imperceptible.

Truth 2:

Change is hard. We prefer comfort over growth. Growth requires stretching, exertion, effort and discomfort. When we step into roles as wives and mothers we are not only changing, but growing and developing. Oftentimes, the most painful changes are painful because of the fact that they require us to deny our flesh. Culture will tell us that killing or denying any desire you have is oppression or some form of inauthenticity. You know who also preaches this deception? The enemy. Scripture on the other hand teaches us that there is no greater love than to lay your life down for another, and that we should strive to die to self and selfish passions; seeking to serve rather than be served. That’s a really hard pill for the flesh to swallow.

The Lie:

You’ve lost yourself, and that’s a bad thing. Often what’s actually happened is that you’ve forgotten the source of your identity. Losing yourself= good thing. Losing sight of your identity = bad thing.

What we’re really searching for when we feel lost is a sense of identity. So when you feel lost in your role as a wife or mother its best to start by asking yourself, where have you found your sense of identity? It’s natural for humans to find a sense of identity in the things they do: I’m a wife, mother, homemaker, Soap Maker, Dog trainer, Outdoor enthusiast, Etc. These are roles or things we do, but they are not the sum of our identity.

Our true identity is found in who God says we are. According to scripture there are two foundational identities : We are either dead in sin (sons of destruction), or alive In Christ (new creations, chosen & redeemed). The way of the world tells us that self-realization is the ultimate goal to living a fulfilling and satisfying life. People will escape to retreats, conferences and workshops or devour hours of self-help literature in the pursuit of “knowing themselves”, in order to hopefully live an authentic and fulfilling life. However, scripture tells us that knowing God, serving and making disciples and enjoying him are the ultimate markers for a purposeful life and an eternal inheritance. We lose sight of this when we’ve allowed the culture to shape our minds and perspectives about what it means to be a whole and happy human. We need to seek after our creator and allow his word to shape our minds and perspectives.

as Oswald Chambers said: The initiative of the saint is not towards self-realization, but towards knowing Jesus Christ.

Culture would have us believe that women lose themselves in the roles of marriage and motherhood because the culture hates these roles, particularly in regard to a Christian wife and mother. Both of these roles exemplify different and varied characteristics of our God, His goodness and design. Marriage, as prescribed in scripture, exemplifies the relationship of Christ and the church. (which the enemy finds abhorrent). Motherhood requires sanctification and sacrifice in ways that reflect the servanthood, submission, humility and sacrifices Jesus modeled in his ministry. Mothers have the blessed and fearful calling of modeling Jesus, living out the gospel and discipling eternal souls in the truth and admonition of scripture.

These are fearfully beautiful and impactful roles, especially pertaining to the confounding and defeat of the enemy and the forces of evil at work in the world. If we can be fooled into believing we are lost or off track somehow, our we become distracted and our hands drop from the work we ought to be doing.

What is our identity?

According to 1 Peter 2-9:10 “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” (ESV)

“A Chosen Race”- Who are you? Someone specifically chosen by an All powerful God. Not only did he choose you, but he formed you in your mothers womb and knows the number of hairs on your head!

”A Royal Priesthood”- Before Jesus died on a Roman cross, ascended into Heaven and gave us the promised Holy Spirit, every man required a mediator, a priest to speak to God on his behalf. However, because of Jesus, the ultimate and perfect mediator, we have the seal of a Royal priesthood that grants us direct access to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

“A Holy nation”- To be Holy is to be set apart for a special and specific purpose. We are a people set apart by God to live according to the word of God. Loving, serving, and ministering in a way that shines as light in the midst of a dark world.

“A people for His own Possession”- We belong to God in such a way we can only imagine in this life. God has made every provision so that we will be with him in fellowship once again, knowing him, being known my him and enjoying him face to face, forever. Not because of any merit of our own, but because He has chosen us.

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So, how are we to respond?

The answer is to understand our identity in Christ, and to replace any pursuit of self-realization with the pursuit of Christ-realization!

“Seek first the kingdom of God.”

Look to Christ, to know him more. When you were saved you were brought from death and made alive again in the person of Christ. Your life is eternally wrapped up in his. Pursue the knowledge of your Savior and you’ll have no worry of being lost because you will be precisely where you need to be. Each day you seek him, he will transform and shape you precisely as he means to for his glory!

The most critical thing a mother can do for health and well-being herself and her family is to know the character of God and have an intimate relationship with him. When we have a solid understanding of who God is, it will alter the lens through which we view the world and the everyday moments of life.

In the midst of washing the dishes (again) we preach the truth to our hearts and minds that we are chosen, seen, and being transformed each moment, as we abide in Christ. In the midst of sleep deprivation and caring for ill children, our hearts look to our Sustainer and quietly trust in Him, knowing that not an hour of our day is outside of his plan. When our prayers are a shaky and weary “Help me”, he tenderly listens. When our hearts are feeble and we feel like crystal; every gaze seeing straight to our vulnerabilities and prone to shatter at the smallest jolt, he walks beside us. When we ache, he offers comfort. When we feel invisible, he sees. If his eye is on the sparrow, how much more then on his chosen and beloved children?

Of course He has made other provisions for us, such as fellowship and community in the local body to help, love and bear with one another. In his sovereignty, he designed us with finite energy and resources and very real physical needs that we are responsible to steward to the best of our abilities.

But first and foremost we must forsake self-realization in fervent pursuit of Christ-realization. Everything else must flow first from this blessed relationship. When we feel lost, we need to look to our Creator. When we are tempted to despair or begrudge our current season or situation, we need to remember our Sovereign Father has placed us precisely where we are.

Mother, the truth of scripture is not too lofty for you in this season; it is your life preserver. This truth is the solid ground under your feet and the breath in your lungs. This is your identity as you were chosen, and are hidden in the person of Christ- so that you may proclaim his excellencies, so that you may work and will to God’s good pleasure.

Nothing stays the same and that is a glorious truth.

You are being transformed in his likeness, day by day. You were taken from death to life, and bestowed a precious identity, sealed with an eternal inheritance. You were choosen and are dearly loved by the Sovereign and omnipotent creator of all things. Each and every day he renews our hearts, our minds, and orders our affections as we grow in the fear and knowledge of the Lord. When your heart finds rest here, you are free to celebrate each day, work diligently in each role and proclaim the joy and excellencies of His glory! This is the most precious identity, reserved for God‘s beloved children alone. Any other role, hobby or interest is an additional gift from a good and loving Father.

Don’t allow the enemy or the voice of this world to distract you from this glorious truth, lift your drooping hands to your sweet Sustainer, Mama.

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:11-15‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Your sister in Christ,

Abbey