Toxic Mother Culture

”Coffee until cocktails!” ”Wine to survive.” “I drink because kids.”

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 9 years now, I homeschool our children whose ages range from 7 months up to 9 years. I will not lie, this is by far the most challenging thing I have ever undertaken in my entire life.

I need to say something, these stereotypes of the SAHM moms who are miserably reliant upon stimulants or depressants in order to function and can hardly tolerate their children needs to stop. Specifically, and especially, among Christian women. These attitudes are not only unhealthy even in secular circles, they’re outright unbiblical in Christian ones.

I’m not advocating to “fake it til’ you make it.” Motherhood is difficult, humbling and holy work. I want exhort my fellow sisters in Christ to exemplify biblical motherhood, and the joy and blessing it is. We ought to demonstrate a different attitude and posture of motherhood than what's found in the world.

First, let’s look at what some scripture says about children and motherhood. Next, we’ll address the “toxic motherhood” attitude. Lastly, we'll look at how Christian mothers should approach motherhood even on the difficult days.

“Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.”

Proverbs 17:6

“He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!”

Psalm 113:9

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

Psalm 127:3-5

“Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.”

Psalm 128:3

"Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

Titus 2:4-5

See also the countless times scripture refers to us as "children" of God.

These scriptures hold high esteem for motherhood and children, the last one especially is quite antithetical for the toxic narrative that seems so pervasive.

Abbey, It's just a joke..

“It’s funny because it’s relatable.”

I hear you. But If that’s the standard for humor I suppose we’ll continue to find sin humorous given the fact we are all sinful by nature.

I’m not saying we can’t have a sense of humor, I'm saying there are some things we shouldn't joke about, especially as believers.

Substance abuse and the “misery of children”, for example.

While humor serves to bring levity, let’s not bring levity to something so costly as sin, and so cherished by our savior, as children.

Every time I see these social media posts of mothers sneaking vodka into their coffee, rushing their children to bed so they can drink a bottle of wine or worse, guzzling liquor while their children run amok, I feel a visceral response. When I see a frazzled mother who feels miserable, with food stuck to her clothes and bags under their eyes waiting for someone to “come take the children”, I want to pull her close and tell her there is another way! She can thrive right here in this very season, in fact, she was designed to thrive right here and its the enemy that has convinced her otherwise.

I know plenty of mothers who have plenty to complain about when it comes to their children and the demands they bring. I’ll confess that I was once guilty of this, but the Bible is clear about complaining and how we are to wield our words!

Motherhood is demanding, and I'm here to tell you, that very fact is a good and beautiful thing.

The words we speak and the thoughts we dwell on hold power, this is exemplified in scripture and cheaply peddled by a multitude of self-help gurus. If we say something often enough we will begin to believe it as truth.

And our words hold an extra measure of power when they are about or directed at someone. The words affect not only ourselves and our perception of that person, they also directly impact that person. If our children hear us joking about how miserable we are because of them, or how they’ve driven us to rely on wine-ing down, what message are we sending? If we comment in jest, about how we just “can’t even” with them, what internal narrative are we feeding them? Most importantly, how do this attitudes and actions conflict with our biblical commands concerning how we are called to raise our children? (Deut. 6:6-9, Eph. 6:4,Pr. 22:6)

I’m not saying mothers who do this don’t value their children. I’m calling for some honest reflection and reform. I'm exhorting you to drop this dialog. If you're truly relying on alcohol to cope and you've struggled to see the joy and blessing in motherhood, seek help and trusted counsel.

We are modeling a worldview that's either biblical or it isn’t.

When we reflect on some of the earlier scripture pertaining to children and motherhood we see a portrait of joy, honor, blessing, and high-esteem. These are gifts to be found within our motherhood. We were expertly crafted by a very good and sovereign Creator to thrive in this role. This is part of our design, and where we are called to shine as lights!

So, what about the hard days? (I'm speaking here of common place bad days, rather than truly tragic days; although the scripture also has much to say about those days as well.)

To be clear, we cannot be passive on difficult days. We are still accountable to God. What if we were to look at what makes those days hard through the lens of scripture?

As Spurgeon once said, "Anything is a blessing which makes us pray."

I believe we would find that most of our “hard days” could be defined as “good and sanctifying.” I'm speaking in regard to things such as learning to esteem others above self, helping those who cannot repay, laying aside your own desires for the benefit of another, practicing service without grumbling, demonstrating humility, etc. As well as the things we should be doing as we struggle through those tough days, like: calling to mind the promises of the Lord, praying with sincerity, thanking God for the gifts He's given us, worshiping in song and action, etc.

Hear me: I’m not saying you grin and bear it or pretend every day is easy, because that’s not reality. The reality is motherhood will drive us to our knees and make our lack glaringly obvious. This in itself is a gift if we are abiding in Jesus and allowing perseverance to have its full effect in refining and growing us. (See James 1)

On bad days we are being refined and we are humbly bent to receive comfort from our Comforter.

The message of miserable moms is so pervasive. Do we have hard days? Yes. Is this work demanding? Absolutely, it is weighty with eternal value.

Do we desire a break from time to time? Who doesn't? (Any person in any career anywhere is going to have hard days.) Our Savior is gracious to give us rest. And here lies the problem, we’re so focused on our feelings, and our desires, rather than focusing on scripture and what it says to inform our perspective, that we end up lost and frustrated at best or we cling to a complete counterfeit at worst.

It’s not enough to stop complaining about motherhood and our children, I'm not advocating for behavior modification, but rather a genuine transformation that comes from the renewing of our minds! We need to understand and meditate on what scripture says about these things and be in prayer!

God’s word is rich with commands, tools, encouragement and help for the truly difficult days.

We can confide in a safe and trusted biblical friend who can pray for/with us, exhort us or help us. We can reprioritize and rest. We can receive grace. We have been created, called and equipped for this very task!

Mothers, Let’s take back the narrative. Let’s be eager to share the joys! Let's renew our minds and walk in our calling with excellence! Motherhood is rich with blessings, opportunities and is, I believe, one of the greatest privileges on this earth.